When your heart bleeds for more than you can hold...

This has been quite the year, quite the last six months actually. My life has been in this huge transition process and every time I think it's almost over God shows me another area where I need to make adjustments.

I'm starting to think that life in general is a constant adjustment process. Whether you're adjusting to a new job, a new addition to the family, a boyfriend, a spouse there's always adjustments to be made.

With that being said one area where I've made a lot of adjustments is what I allow to occupy my time. Since I started focusing less on things that in my opinion don't matter I've noticed that my heart has become so much softer to what I think are things that are closer to The Lords heart. So much so to the point where I'm starting to realize that I can't help everyone and I can't do everything even though I want too.

I feel called to ministry. With all of my heart and with every fiber of my being I feel like The Lord is calling me to spend my days pursuing his heart and leading souls to his kingdom. Now whether that means I pursue music ministry or become a missionary or something else I'm not sure but I know it's going to be a career that is centered around leading souls to him.

BUT I'm also really passionate about human trafficking, did you know that it's the third largest criminal industry in the world? Also I'm passionate about gun control and with the most recent incident in California being the 355th mass shooting in the country this year I think it's time for a change. Also I'm passionate about education and women's rights and global poverty and all of the kids around the world that don't have food to eat or access to a sanitary place to use the restroom.

My heart breaks for what's going on in this world and as much as I try to be strong there are times where I find myself lost in tears because of things I don't know how to stop but want too. So what do I do? What do you do when you want to help everyone?

Well, I think the first thing to do is to remember that just because you can't help everyone doesn't mean that you can't help someone. I feel very blessed to have a heart that's so moved by the world and what happens in it. I would much rather be the type of person that cries after writing another letter to politicians about gun control or fills their schedule with volunteer opportunities than someone who is unmoved by the tragedies that so often surround us.

I plan to seek God for what he wants me to dedicate my life too and I hope everyone who reads this does the same. Lets all aim to make the world a better place and begin everyday like we're on a mission to leave everyone we meet better than we found them.

We can't help everyone but that doesn't mean that we can't help someone. Below I've listed different organizations that I support that actively work to eliminate different issues in the world if you have a second please check them out and see how you can make a difference!

A21 Campaign: Aims to abolish injustice in the 21st century- A21.org

worldtoilet.org: A non-profit committed to improving toilet and sanitation conditions worldwide.

The Global poverty Project- Aims to end Global poverty by 2030 - globalpovertyproject.com

To Write Love on Her Arms - An organization dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA.com

Words can not contain him.

Inspired by the album - We will not be shaken- Bethel Music

I locked you up inside my chest
and your roar ripped wildly through my heart
you're a burning flame
the brightest blaze
silly me
you can not be contained.

So I open my mouth and praises flood past my lips
it's so new
so foreign
yet I'm home.

As I write and my fingertips seem to move without my control
I feel like a fraud
trying to contain such majesty within such incapable words

What manner of man is this
that even the winds and the seas obey him?
Who are you?
How can I put to words something so big?

Something so immeasurable
yet it fills my soul.
Impossible to put into a box
yet he's constantly by my side.

I tried to lock you up
first in books
and in songs
and in simple "I'm a Christian" declarations
and you came around and turned me on my head.
You took all that I thought I knew
and made it pale in comparison to who you actually are.

Words can't contain you
songs can't explain you
and poems
even when they rhyme
can't seem to do you justice.

You're a burning flame
the brightest blaze
silly me
you can't be contained.


I write poetry. Poetry is what I do, even when I don't post it online I often write poetry to describe what I'm feeling and what's going on in my life. The hardest thing I've ever had to write about is Christ. Truly it boggles my mind. I often feel like I should write about him and post it all over the world so everyone knows how wonderful he is and how he makes me feel. Then when I sit down and try to actually do it, to put him on a page, I often end up coming up short. Every single time I write about him I end up feeling like the words just don't do him justice and they don't. I could be the best writer in the world and I would never truly be able to put him on a page. He's too great. God is too big to be on a page or on a screen, it's truly impossible. Yet all I have are these words and he's the love of my life so I give him my best and even though it's not enough that's almost the beauty of it. My imperfect offering will always pale in comparison to his perfect love. I've never been so okay, so happy, so in love, with such an imbalanced relationship...

For God so loved the world...

When all else fails
and my feet won't hold my body
when the ground underneath me shakes
and I can't see what's before me

I'll lift my eyes to you
and find solace in your presence
my heart will not faint
and my soul will not grow weary
instead it will find joy in your unfailing love

Oh the peace that floods my soul
as I hide in your embrace.
my strength and my redeemer
lover of my soul.

I'm not sure if I believe that words can ever truly express the way that The Lord truly loves us. As humans we're programmed and constantly exposed to conditional love to the point to where when we are presented with a love that is as pure as God's and we hear that it's free...it's often hard to believe.

At least that's how I felt. The idea that God loves me because of who I am, flaws, mistakes, disobedience, sinful lifestyle and all at one point was unbelievable for me. So for years I lived this Christian lifestyle that allowed me to fear God but didn't allow me to be loved by him. The other night I was in my bed crying, overwhelmed by God's love for us and I couldn't believe that for years I lived without his warm embrace, not because he didn't offer it to me but rather because I refused to take it.

The Lord has taught me so much these last few weeks about love and who he is and I'm so amazed by how simple it all is. When I read the gospels and see how Jesus interacted in this world and the instructions he gave his disciples I see that we as humans complicate faith and make it hard to grasp. We think that we have to be perfect or that we're not good enough for him, yet The Lord is asking for us to simply come to him and he'll do the rest.

I love the fact that The Lord doesn't ask us to have it all figured out but rather he asks that we trust him and allow his perfect will to work in our lives. Thank you Lord for your grace and your love and the fact that you loved us so much that you gave your only son to die for our sins. Words can not contain you and that's the beauty of all that you are. .


John 3:16.

I don't deserve you...yet you're mine.

From the inside out I'll save a space for you
I'll carve out the bad
and leave room for you
my being becoming a place for you
to lead me in your will
and erase the pain
of me trying to guide myself.


If I use up all that's left of me
to make my life an example of your love
Than all of me would be used
to portray you and your ultimate sacrifice
and what an honor it would be.

One day I'll die
and when I open my eyes I'll be in your arms
and my 80 or so years will pale in comparison to eternity
Eternity in your perfect presence.

So carve out the bad I will
and prune out the evil that has made a home under my skin
I'll invite you in so that you can search my heart
search my heart and extract all that's not like you.

My heart burns for you
My soul yearns for your presence
My knees buckle at the sound of your name
and as it comes from my human mouth I can't help but feel like we're not worthy
we're not worthy enough to even speak your name
yet you place it on our lips.
We don't deserve to spend forever in your presence
yet you died so that we could.

My mind tries to understand your love and it escapes me.
I can't conceive it but I can see it everywhere I turn
and feel it in everything I do.

I don't deserve you
yet you're mine
and I am yours.

Oh to spend eternity with you,
what an unearned reward...
what a loving God.

Love has a name.

From ocean to ocean
Bank to bank
I've searched

Under every rug
and behind every wall.

Inside every box
and between the pages of every book,

I searched for a purpose
in a world filled with darkness and hate.

I longed for warmth
in the arms of the devil and all of his agents.

I slept at the feet of the broken
hoping that together we'd become whole.

I sought something that would make me complete
something that would add the remaining 24 letters to the inadequate alphabet that was me.

Yet all along there you were
in every dirty situation that I put myself in
that left me broken and confused.

There you were
when scarred hands caressed my sinful body
trying to give me peace.

There you were
when the alcohol blazed fires down my throat
and took erasers to my memory.

Yet I didn't see you

You called my name
and yet I didn't hear you.

You reached out your hand for me
and yet I didn't take it.

Until I did.

Until one day the pain
became too much.

Until one day, the filth
became too much.

Until one day
the thought of living another day without you
became too much.

And it made all the difference.

Your love came down from heaven
and became human for me.

Your love looked at my sins
and washed them away.

Your love took my reflection
which I called flawed
and made it beautiful.

Oh the blood that was shed for us
that we may be called sons and daughters of Christ.

When I came to you with an open heart
and tear stained cheeks
you took my hand
and changed my life.

And what a life it has become.

I thought I was living...
Now I know that I am.

Fictional tales

"You can't undo a fall like this!"

They screamed trying to warn me

Because apparently love

Since it can sometimes hurt

Is something worth warning about 

I didn't want too but i heard their voices

And it clouded my judgement 

When i first laid eyes on you

Your smile, though endearing 

Held traces of a warning that finally made sense and was clear

I didn't mean to leave you there

Endearing smile and all

Hands outstretched 

Expecting my embrace

Left empty and scarred

I could love you better

But only if my heart 

Was empty and unafraid

But those voices in my head

And their cautious warnings

Left me fearful instead

So I'll love you like I love the rest

In inhales and exhales as I run
Maybe you should have listened to the voices
Like I did
Instead of opening up
And coming undone 

Frequency.

Clap your hands
and close your eyes
it all comes down to this.

We're lost in each other

Or rather

It's safer to say
that I'm the one lost

In you.

My eye sight is blurry
and your face is all that's clear
and when I try to catch my breath
I instead... inhale your scent.

I used to rhyme and my words made sense
now they're jumbled
and my sentences rearranged
commas misplaced
and capital letters replaced.

You're not my everything
THAT I can say with strength
but you're the rest
and that's a lot.

Love me easy
and leave me wrapped in the safety of your embrace
for I fear the cold
will snatch away the memories

There will never be anyone better than you
and I'll never be the same.