In this skin..

In this skin
I'm comfortable
But I can't help but to feel
like this place
this body
this world is not my home.

This skin
in which I reside
at times feels guarded
defensive
yet I'm open and inviting
safe and loving
this skin isn't me...
I'll keep the color but the labels...
those I don't want anymore.

This skin
is brown and glowing
beautiful and pure
yet some in this world says it's unattractive
weak
out of place
I don't agree
but that's okay...

I don't belong here.

This skin that I'm in
it holds me together
it captures my beating heart
and consumes my emotions
yet I want to break free
I want love to fiercely pour out of me
yet it's confined
by this skin that I'm not so sure
if I should want anymore

This skin that I'm in
that seemingly defines whether I live my life
fighting stigmas or wadding in privilege
this skin it's beautiful
it's pure
it's soft like satin
it's brown

This skin in all of its perfections
and imperfections
is not my identity
it's not my cross to bear
it's not a target on my back
it's not yours to categorize or define

This skin that I'm in
it's mine
and whether you burn it all down
or nail me to a tree
what you destroy
is nothing compared to what the father has saved
the beauty that he's created in me.

This skin
in which I reside
though frail
is redeemed
and though fleeting
houses a soul that will live on.

This skin that I'm in
this beautiful
brown sugar
dark chocolate
color of the earth
skin that coats me
is unapologetic
it's forgiven
it's encouraged
it's bold.

It's not a trail to be blazed
it is not a campaign
it is not a curse
it is not ugly
it is not a mistake
it is not yours...

This skin
that I find myself in
it's beautiful
it's intentional
it's loved
it's mine

Fear, the gym and box jumps.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were faced with something that made you so nervous and made your heart beat so fast that it seemed like it was impossible? Something that you'd seen others accomplish, time and time again but for some reason when you even though about attempting it, it just seemed too scary?

Well, that pretty much sums up my relationship with certain moves, machines and exercises at the gym.

I am being completely sincere when I say that the only time I try something new at the gym is when I'm either convinced that it's impossible to look stupid doing it OR when I'm by myself and I'm sure that no one can see me.

I don't know where it came from but for as long as I've been going to the gym I've always gotten really nervous, almost anxious even, at the idea of doing something wrong and a stranger correcting me or laughing at me. The thought of someone coming up to me in a crowded gym and telling me that my form is off, makes me want to work out at 3am when I'm guaranteed to be alone.

I know, it sounds absolutely ridiculous.What I'm getting at with this confession is that there are things that I've been wanting to do but the fear of being corrected or looking silly kept me from even trying them, that is...until the other day.

I went to the gym a few days ago and I don't know what was in the air or in my smoothie that morning but I was in such a euphoric place. I felt happy and at peace and not really too aware of the people around me. I started my leg workout and before I knew it I found myself in front of the space that I always avoided, the box jumps.

Box jumps are a very interesting concept and I won't get into all the details of the benefits and dangers of them but I will tell you that I'm beyond intrigued by them. Box jumps mixed with fear and anxiety are, how can I put this plainly, a sick mind game. Standing in front of this box, that reached about mid way between my knees and my hip, my heart started to beat fast and my hands started to shake.

 "What's going on?" I thought to myself, I've seen people shorter than myself do box jumps more times than I can count and I've never seen them fall, never. I thought to myself, "If they can do it, then so can I," but when I went to jump my feet didn't come off the ground.

I literally swung my arms to jump and instead of lifting off of the ground I was seemingly cemented to the floor by fear. The thought of falling, that someone might laugh at me, or that I might hurt myself ran circles in my head and literally kept both of my feet on the ground.

Fear is crippling. Fear snatches dreams, laughs at goals and does nothing but put limitations on us. Fear and box jumps, I found the other day, don't mix at all. Rather, these two things without question, clash 100% of the time.

I am happy to say that I finally got up the nerve and courage to do one and then another and eventually a whole series of box jumps but not without giving myself a serious talk first. When I jumped the first time I remember standing on the top of the box and feeling a sense of accomplishment but more than that, feeling extremely silly. I couldn't believe that for so long I let fear keep me from even attempting to do something that I now actually really enjoy.

Box jumps won't kill you but your fear might.

I've never met anyone that gave fear the credit for their accomplishments and success. Fear won't take you steps closer to your goals, fear won't heal wounds or rebuild communities, fear won't save lives. Fear kills. Fear destroys. Fear is a stop sign.

When I left the gym that night my mind went on an exploring spree looking at all the areas of my life where fear stopped me from going after something I really wanted. Whether it was doing box jumps, going on a new adventure or talking to someone that I thought  was really cute, I would be lying if I didn't admit that many opportunities have passed me by because I was afraid. Well, not anymore.

What fears are holding you back from accomplishing something great? I challenge you today to have courage and to be brave enough to jump and I promise you that regardless of the outcome you'll be glad that you did.

II Timothy 1:7 - God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

The option to look away...

There are a lot of horrible things going on in our world. Police brutality, terrorist attacks, women being raped...the list goes on. But if we're being completely honest with each other, we're not all affected by these horrific acts and because of that, we don't all have to care. 

When you have the privilege of being the most guarded gender, nationality, orientation and race, you also have the privilege of being able to look away. You have the option to ignore tragedies because they so often fall miles away from your doorstep. 

It is a privilege to grow up seeing yourself represented in television shows and the movies that you see on weekends. It's a privilege to grow up reading about and seeing presidents, legislators and congress people who look like you. It is a privilege to grow up having your history told in class every single day compared to once a year for a month. 

We ALL have privilege, but some of us have more than others. 

I think as a generation we so often argue and debate. With that being said I rarely see us coming together to collaborate on solutions to bring about restoration. There has to be more restoration. 

I'm saying all of this to get to the point "That with great power comes great responsibility." Yes, I did just quote Spider man but only because those words ring so true. For those with extreme amounts of privilege and great power, how much blood will be on yours hands when you die? How many wars did you sign off on? How many rapists did you simply give a slap on the wrist? How many times did you look away when someone who looks different than you was attacked or treated like they didn't matter? 

It's so easy to choose to look away, to choose to simply not join the conversation but it takes real courage to decide to be more than just a bystander. It takes courage to use your influence and privilege to make a difference rather than to just serve your needs and desires. 

It is a privilege and not a right that I have a blog that people read. I count it as a privilege that I'm able to share my opinions, feelings and beliefs in such a cool way. Today, I choose to use this platform to say that we as a generation, as humans, as a world need to do more. Enough with the social media, celebrity and image obsessions....it's time to stand up and make a different in a way that matters, a way that will improve this world for our children and grandchildren. 

I'm not living in fear, turmoil or anguish but I'm also not living with my eyes and ears shut to the pains of our world. Pains that are affecting people who look just like the person that I see in the mirror every single day. 

We all have privilege but we don't all have the option to look away. 

Love. love. love.

This weekend one of my dearest friends is getting married and I'm in the wedding. This is the second wedding that I'm in this year and the second of four weddings that I'm going to in 2016. So here's a quote about love that I read on November 27th of 2012 and I've loved it ever since.

I have to keep this brief because I have a plane to catch so that I can support my girl but first I'll leave you with this. When I think of marriage I think of a lot of things and this is one of them. Enjoy.

"How foolish is it to think that we only love with our hearts. The heart is just an organ with a job to do, a quota to fill. When I love, I don't want to love with a blood pumping machine. I want to love with every inch of my body.

I will love you with my knees and my fingertips, with my elbows and my collarbones. With my freckles and my knuckles, my wrinkles and my scars.

And I will love you with all of the spaces in between."

XOXO.

The impatience of faith.

Last week when my parents were in town I was in a store with my mom and I was beyond annoyed that my dad was taking forever to pick out a hat. So there I was, huffing and puffing around and just getting more and more frustrated and when I told my mom how annoyed I was, she looked at me and laughed and said "Nikki, you really need to learn to have some patience."

When she said that I started laughing too, half because I just think that she's the funniest person in the universe and the other half was because I knew that she was right. Sometimes, I have a really hard time being patient with people.

Times where I struggle being patient: when I'm hot, when I'm hungry, when I'm tired, when I'm trying to stick to a schedule, when I'm trying to make others stick to a schedule etc...you get the point.

When I was in the store that day with my parents I was impatient because I was trying to take them to Red Rocks and in my mind it was imperative that we got their quickly. I was impatient and rushing them because I had their best "tourist interests" at heart, or at least that's what I told myself.

But the real question is, what's the rush?

Was Red Rocks going anywhere? Did we have an important dinner that we had to get to after? Why couldn't I just relax and have some patience?

Those are all questions I mulled over for a while after my mom's comment. I didn't feel condemned by what she said but rather convicted and here's what I've come up with so far.

My impatience at times lies very heavily in the fact that I don't know how to deal with not being in control. I so much enjoy being in the driver's seat, literally and figuratively. I avoid uncertainty, I plan ahead, I don't ask for advice often and I enjoy spontaneity most when I'm the driving force of it.

However, the more I reflect, I realize that this is not how I want to continue to be.

As I'm growing in my faith my biggest road block lately has been my resistance and apprehension about giving God permission to guide my life. It's so hard for me to imagine waking up each day and asking anyone what I should do or how I should act throughout the day, even God. The reason why is because I struggle with trusting that God will take me to heights higher than where I can take myself.

Trust is not something that I've mastered and honestly until recently it wasn't at all something that I was even open too but now.... well now I am and it's making all the difference.

The other day I met with my church family and we talked about this together. I shared how I was feeling and after the meeting I cried with one of my dear friends about this and she spoke so much life and truth into my heart. You see, this walk with Christ is all about faith.

That might seem like a simple truth but when you put it into practice and aim to walk it out everyday, this faith thing is more than just going to church. Faith is believing that God will always have a better plan for us than we have for ourselves. Faith is the daily decision to follow a Savior that you can't see. Faith is telling yourself that even if you can't feel a difference or see an improvement that God is surely at work in your life.

Faith is more than just a weekly church service, it's a seven days a week, rain or shine, life or death resolve to follow Christ.

For me, faith is about letting go of control. This faith journey is centered around accepting Christ and trusting that God will never and I truly mean never ask us to go where his grace can't sustain us.

Romans 15:13 says "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

I don't know where God is going to ask me to go in this life, but today I make a decision to trust him and to be an obedient passenger on this road trip of life.

This week I invite you to explore your life. Take some time these next few days to reflect on where you've been, who you've met and where you're going. Most importantly, if you will, I encourage you to explore where you can have less control and invite more trust into your life.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future, to a known God." Corrie ten Boom.

Denver, Colorado...year one.

A year ago today my whole world changed. I carefully packed my entire life into two suitcases, a backpack and a carry on and hoped on a plane to move from Pennsylvania to Denver.

At the time I genuinely had no idea what the future held for me. I  knew that I had a place to live and a job but the rest...well the rest I was hoping to figure out as soon as possible.

In the twelve months that I've been in this city I've lived at three different addresses, changed careers, bought a car, cried too many times, laughed till I peed and so much more. This year was unexpected, predictable, terrifying and exciting all at the same time and as I look back on it, it's hard for me to believe that I came out on the other side better than I started.

So right now, in this space, I just want to take a moment to reflect on this past year and how I've been impacted and forever changed by this city.

One of the first things I learned when I moved to Denver is that it's not impossible for things that you're excited about to turn into things that terrify you. My first night here, I laid in my bed on the phone with my best friend and cried for what seemed like hours. Unlike all the other times when I left home, this one felt permanent, less flexible and like I was forever leaving all of my family and friends behind. Very dramatic, I know.

I couldn't understand how I could be so sad about being there when just hours earlier I was beyond excited and ready for the adventure. My friend told me to give it more than 12 hours, to take it one day at a time and to know that I could always go home to my family. That night, as I drifted off to sleep on my tear soaked pillow I was comforted by the truth that sometimes new adventures can be daunting and that's okay.

Another thing that I've learned this year is that in order to build strong, healthy and life giving relationships you have to be willing to abandon your comfort zone. The first few months of living in Denver I was so lonely and disconnected from the city. Besides going to church on the weekend by myself I was not open to saying "yes" to new situations at all. Fear of the new and unknown left me feeling, for the first time in years, like I only had one true friend.

Thankfully, that one friend was someone who really pushed me to meet new people and to step out of my comfort zone and it made all the difference. Now, I not only have a community of diverse, passionate and talented people around me but I'm a more dynamic and well rounded human. It was by making myself uncomfortable and putting myself in awkward situations that I was able to meet people that pour into my life in so many ways and help me to be a better person. You'll never reach your full potential with people and relationships without jumping outside of what feels safe and trusting that the net that's supposed to catch you, will do just that.

Last but not least I learned that with each dark transition comes a sunny and bright horizon. It might seem cliche or corny to say but my darkest moments in Denver can't compare to the joy that I've found here.

Denver's magic far outweighs it's nightmares. It's a city where you'll meet people from all over the country and even the world. People that have made the same decision as you, people who have uprooted their entire lives to chase a dream, a job opportunity and even love. It's a city of music and art, of love and loss, of mountains and deserts. It's a place that's big enough to get lost in but also small enough to be found and it's with ease and excitement that I can say that for me, it's a place I call home.

You don't have to move to a new city or change your entire lifestyle to find yourself but for me, that's exactly how it happened. Whether you're in transition, feeling a little lost or simply searching for purpose in an ever changing world, know that with time all storms are calmed.

So cheers to Denver for embracing me, another east coast transplant, into it's lovely terrain. After one year of being on it's soil, Denver is deeply rooted in me. I'm connected, I'm invested, I'm here.

XOXO.

For the moments when you feel too much.

The other day, I had a moment where I became unsettled and upset about something that I thought I was over. I was revisiting a memory and I went from laughing and being what I perceived as completely okay with everything to borderline sobbing at work.

I've noticed that the older I get the more I feel like I need to get over things faster but the truth is, the more years I get under my belt the more in tune I become with what's going on in my heart. I've always been the type of person that pushed feelings away until they boiled up to the point where I was so angry or sad that I didn't even know what to do.

As a kid, I remember and I'm sure they do as well, going from laughing with my siblings to crying over something really small that they said. They would call me sensitive and not want to play anymore and the truth was that it wasn't just that moment that upset me but rather the accumulation of many small things that turned into something so big. 

So back to the other day, there I was sitting on my bed stuck between two thoughts and really two very different roads. One was telling me that it wasn't that big of a deal and I needed to get over it and the other thought whispered to me gently that it was okay to feel and if I felt like crying maybe it was okay to cry too. 

So that's what I did. I sat on my bed and talked to God and cried. I cried a lot. 

I cried because I was sad. I cried because every fiber of my being was fighting against becoming the type of woman that doesn't allow herself to feel, one that is hardened by the pains and disappointments of this life. So often I try to numb myself to the struggles and anguish of this world and pretend that I'm not the type of person that is deeply moved by it all, I don't want to do that anymore. 

Crying is not a sign of weakness. Let me repeat, crying is NOT a sign of weakness.

I've never felt stronger than in the moments where I allowed myself to be honest with what was going on in my heart and mind. I am strong, bold, confident, proactive, sensitive and sometimes pretty emotional and I'm okay with that. 

I had to remind myself and maybe I'll have to everyday for years to come that it's okay to feel. It's okay to be upset about something even if the world tells you that it's not worth crying over. It's okay to reflect on things that have been tough and situations that have hurt you and when you feel too much it's okay to cry. 

When I wiped the last tear from my cheek, I couldn't help but to close my eyes and smile. It was in the confronting of my pain that I was able to find true freedom and be released from the past. It was in trying to be strong that I found myself crumbled in weakness and it was in my pain that I was comforted by and wrapped in God's strength. 

As you head into the weekend and wrap up the last few lines of this blog, know that it's okay to feel and when you feel too much, know that it's more than okay to cry.