"At least I got a man."

When I was a teenager I remember being at church and there was a girl there teasing me. I can't even remember exactly what she was making fun of me for but I remember at the end she said "You might be smarter than me but at least I got a man."

As soon as she said that everyone around us started laughing and saying things like "that's true," and other stupid comments. I walked away from her feeling like I had just been hardcore shamed, like my intelligence was something but nothing compared to the fact that this girl had a 'man.'

The other day I had a deja vu moment with one of my friends, a moment that took me back to being a shamed kid at church. This person is someone that I consider to be extremely intelligent, successful and on their way to even bigger success.We were texting about our lives and things that we're doing currently and at one point she said "Well you're still doing better than me because you have a man now."

When I read her message I was dumbfounded. I sat there just reading the message over and over again and I couldn't help but to laugh. Why is it that being in a relationship determines how well someone is doing?  I sat there thinking about her, someone that I look up to so much and felt so sad that she thinks that I'm in anyway doing better than she is simply because I'm dating someone and she's not.

For the last five months or so I've talked a lot about my relationship, it's really hard not to. Patrick is my first boyfriend and we spend a lot of time together. Patrick is an amazing human and friend and I just want to tell everyone about him. Being with him has added even more joy to my life than was there before, he's an answer to prayer.

Let me say this though if for some reason, God forbid, Patrick and I broke up my worth on this earth wouldn't change.

As an educator that works a lot with teenage girls, this is an issue that is very close to my heart. I see girls everyday, ones that are running from relationship to relationship trying to find worth and meaning in this world. They're reaching for dirty hands and unattainable hearts hoping to find belonging and acceptance through their relationship status and I know how it feels.

Even though I grew up with a present and loving father and amazing brothers, when I went to college and got a taste of the rat race of false love I was addicted to the attention. It's only by God's grace that I didn't end up sleeping with some no good man and really changing the trajectory of my life.

I'm saying all of this to say, that I am so proud to be a woman. I am proud to be made in the image of Christ and to be a portrait of his creativity and goodness and my identity and my worth is firmly rooted in that. I'm proud of the places I've been, the stories I've walked through and also the many lives that I've been able to impact through work.

If Patrick and I get married then I think part of my identity will change. Being married will require so much more commitment from us than just being in a relationship and with a name change, moving in together and the merging of families we'll become one. Even when that happens, the greatest and most enriching part of my identity will still be in who I am in Christ.

I've written about this before but society often tells us that as women we haven't fully made it until someone wants us, marries us and makes us their own. Today I want to tell you that you're wanted, you're cherished and you're loved. You're loved by someone that will never leave you, never fail you and never forsake you until the end of age. God is that someone. If you're single and someone throws it in your face than dear just let me remind you that you always have God and he's not an "at least" he's more than enough.

"If you are not attaching your identity to the unshakable love of your savior, you will ask the things in your life to be your savior and it will never happen." - Paul David Tripp

More soul, more heart.

The words will fall out of me
like rain from the sky.
Each letter playing it's part
to form the words
that can't wait to be heard
can't wait to be said.

The mind stops us
from looking silly
from making mistakes
it also can stop us from setting someone free
from opening the gate that guards the heart

Sometimes we need less mind
less holding back
more soul
more openness
more heart.

Writing for me is easy. I can put my feelings in a letter or in a text. I can outline a blog and convey my thoughts in a way that is clear where my intentions are easy to understand.

When it comes to speaking, it's not as simple. I think a little too much, reword a bit too often and more likely than not I can utter a sarcastic comment quicker than I can get a loving word to free itself from my tongue.

I wrote the opening poem about two weeks or so after I started dating Patrick. The beginning of our relationship was such a whirlwind. I had never met someone like him before, never had someone be so open about their feelings and their intentions. Where he would openly share a piece of his heart I would share a stale smile or an awkward giggle, never knowing how to fully put my feelings into words.

His patience and consistency has made disclosing my feelings easier but even after four months together and months of 'I love you's' it's still not exactly easy.

That's the cool thing about love though, it's not easy. It's also not exactly hard. It's uncomfortable and challenging and a growing experience. Love, I've learned, will stretch you and teach you and push you to be a better version of yourself.

It's not two pieces fitting perfectly together with no adjustments or additions needed. It's two imperfect people coming together despite their flaws and trying to build something beautiful.

Yes, I struggle saying the words, initiating the cuteness and the heart moments but I do it. I do it because I know how amazing it feels when Patrick is open and vulnerable with me, it makes me feel like he trusts me. Like he trusts me to safe guard his words and to not return his investment with empty stares and completely opposite feelings.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I need to try. Try a bit harder to step outside of my comfort zone and invest in a relationship that really matters to me. Try to utter the words that are often difficult to say but are without a doubt felt. Words that convey my trust in him, in his consistency and his integrity. Words that share just a little bit more soul and a lot more heart.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. " - C.S. Lewis.

A relationship in orbit.

Dating is weird. You meet a person and you decide that you not only think that they're attractive but you also think that they're someone that you want to spend an ungodly amount of time with. So you change your status on Facebook and put a heart emoji next to their name in your phone and just like that you're a couple.

 I've written before about how watching my parents taught me a lot about love and marriage but I didn't get the privilege of watching them when they were just a couple, just boyfriend and girlfriend. I think if I did I would have learned some of the ins and outs of this relationship business.

Dating doesn't solve any of the issues or insecurities that we as single people tend to have. Rather, I think it grabs batteries from a dusty drawer in the kitchen, loads the closest flashlight and illuminates everything that you've tried to hide for years. 

The more time you spend with someone the more they get to know you. That's a sentence that we're all familiar with but we should also add that they don't just get to know the rose colored parts of you but also the weird, scarred and quirky parts of you. 

After a few months of dating, Patrick knows quite a bit about me. He knows that I call every dog that I see fluffy. He knows that I have moments where I'm irrational and literally annoyed for no reason. He knows that I'm a sucker for the simple things and he also knows that it's the littlest things at times that really grind my gears. 

At this point in our relationship he's really starting to know me and not just the parts of me that are easily shared but also the parts that are not. The parts that I'm not always so proud of, the parts that I'm working on. 

Relationships are a constant journey of trusting, trusting and trusting some more. Trusting that the love you give will be returned. Trusting that this flaw or that flaw won't be the one that's nonnegotiable. Trusting that if they're choosing to love you today than they'll choose to do it tomorrow as well. 

I thought that relationships were easy, that they were fun ALL the time and that once you're in love it fixes every thing. I was way off base. Healthy relationships aren't always easy but they're worth it. I have so much fun with Patrick but not every conversation that we have is fun. Some conversations are hard and are uncomfortable but they are the foundation for what we're trying to build, a strong and lasting relationship.

At the core of it all I've learned that by keeping Christ at the center of our relationship we've revolved it around something that will never fail. When we first met each other, we sat at a coffee shop and talked for hours and the thing that we talked about the most was Christ. That was the catalyst that prompted a second date that eventually led to a relationship.

As we get to know each other more and begin to see the quirks and hiccups of each others lives the thing that we're orbiting around still hasn't changed. Which I think is what makes every hard conversation easier, every laugh more joyful and every small kind gesture so big.

So I guess I didn't need to be a fly on the wall while my parents were dating. I didn't need a cheat sheet that showed me how to fight fair or how to choose to love. All I needed was to put Christ at the center, meet someone else that did the same and let the rest of the story be written by him.

Xoxo.

The catalyst.

"Christianity cannot be a theory. Jesus is so much better than a theory. He's so much better than a good sermon. He's a radical catalyst toward a way of living that's not of this world."

The word catalyst is defined as being a substance that causes a chemical reaction to occur or the prime agent of any change. The prime agent of any change...I think that all of us can look at our stories and pick out people and situations that have caused great change in our lives.

In my life I could easily name and recall moments and encounters that have greatly impacted the trajectory of my life. Encounters that have redirected areas of my life and caused me to completely change a behavior or even a certain mindset.

Jesus is no ordinary catalyst. I say that because when I truly began to know Jesus and allow him into my heart he didn't just change one area of my life he got his hands on every single aspect of my ordinary and mediocre life. Jesus was not just a chapter added to my story but rather he truly became my whole story.

Jesus is not just a theory. He's not just a man in history that had great ideals and at times spoke in circles and parables. Jesus is not just words on a page or the topic of a really great sermon. Jesus is alive and more than anything he desires to be invited into the inner most parts of your life...he desires to be invited into your heart.

I don't have much to say this week. I don't have a long post filled with thoughtful concepts and ideas and opinions...the only thing I have this week is my life's greatest truth. Jesus came to this earth for you and he came to this earth for me. He came to bring us home and invite us into a life of fellowship and love.

He's not just a theory or a good sermon....he's the greatest catalyst that this world will ever know and his name is Jesus.

Loving people well.

Happy New Year! I really can't believe that it's already 2017. Last year flew by so quickly I feel like I blinked twice and it was over. As I start on this trek that is the new year I do so with a resolve to live life a little differently.

In 2017, before anything else, I want to love God and people well. For so long I've been the type of person that simply returned the love I was given. I showed people the kindness and the love that they showed me and never sought to surpass their level of affection.

If someone was mean to me or didn't go out of their way to be nice then I wouldn't go out of my way either. I've never felt bad about loving people conditionally, until now. For the last few months I haven't been able to shake the sense that I'm doing a disservice to myself and others with the way that I love.

It's risky to love people. If I'm speaking for just myself, it's hard to put my heart on the line especially when I'm not sure if my feelings are going to be reciprocated or even welcomed.

For a while now, I've really been trying to reflect and embody the life of Christ. The more that I dive into the example of Jesus, the more I realize that loving without any expectations of what you'll get in return was his specialty.

When I look at scripture, when I evaluate the life of Christ and the way that God loves, it's very clear and without question that God loves without condition. He loved us so much that he gave his son to die for our sins so that we could, if we so choose to accept it, have eternal life.

I can't imagine giving my life for someone who would never appreciate it, never acknowledge it, never thank me for it...yet that's what Christ did. Jesus gave his life so that humans like you and I, would have a chance at eternal life if we wanted it. Jesus had no guarantees that people would accept his offer or love him in return and he died anyway. Despite the uncertainty, despite the pain, Jesus loved us anyway.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life and my walk of faith. I can't continue to love with condition. I can't keep being the person that only puts their heart on the line when it's safe. I can't do all of those things and continue to call myself a follower of Christ. I just can't do it.

This year won't be easy. It will be a journey of putting my feelings and everything that 27 years of living in this world has taught me aside in order to love people the way that Christ loves me. To be a vessel of Christ's love with every person that I come in contact with. It won't be something that I'm perfect at or that I get down in a day but it's something that I'm committed to, something that I won't give up on.

So cheers to loving people and God well. May we embody his sacrifice, his grace and his approach at life. May we aim to love without condition and project that love into the lives of everyone we encounter.

Wendy and Rey: A love story.

"In the flush of love's light, we dare be brave and suddenly we see that love costs all we are, and will ever be. Yet is it only love which sets us free."

Love is scary. It's portrayed as this big boisterous monster that swoops into your heart unexpectedly and makes you fall head over heels for someone. It's described as the naked child with the bag full of arrows shooting the first person his eyes land on and his stupid arrows can reach.

We grow up with these images of love in magazines, television shows and movies and it all seems so easy and so unbelievable. They make love look so doable but also so unsustainable, it happens all at once and then the movie is over but you don't see what happens next.

What happens when the little quirks that they loved become the small things that they're starting to hate? What happens when their core values don't match? What happens when they get into another argument about the same old thing and their tempers get the best of them? What happens when the magic wears off?

I don't see a lot of movies that portray those things. Films that get to the heart of life and not only show you the bells and whistles but also the thorns and spurs. I didn't learn the ABC's of lasting love from movies but I did learn it from my parents.

It wasn't until recently that I became aware of all of the lessons that I've learned about love from watching my parents choose to love each other everyday of my entire life. My parents have been married for 36 years and I've been lucky enough to be an eye witness for 27 of those lovely years.

If I use my parents as my main example I can tell you that love is so much more than just an hour long movie or a lifetime special. Love is choosing to quit your job and live off of one income to home school seven children and make sure that they have the best education possible. Love is having patience and being intentional about being kind and using thoughtful language even after working long exhausting days.

Love is a choice. Love is choosing, after 36 years, to still go on adventures and to still do the things that made you fall in love in the first place. The real thing, the 'we've been married for 50 years' kind of love, does not just happen with the flick of cupid's wrist. Real love takes work, it takes effort, it requires that you die to yourself and put the well being and needs of that other person before your own and that they do the same for you.

The stories that I see in movies and on TV pale in comparison to the romance, commitment and love that I've seen my whole life in my parent's relationship.

I used to think that I didn't know what love was. I thought that I would be scared when I found it and that being in love meant that I had to lose pieces of myself. None of that is true. I know what love is. I know love because I've been surrounded by it my entire life. I know love because God goes out of his way to saturate me in his daily. I know love.

So whenever I get to that point in my relationship where all of my daily decisions lead me to falling in love, I'll know what to do. I won't run, like I always thought I would but rather I'll continue to make choices that nourish and build our love. I'll embody the patience of my father and the thoughtfulness of my mother and create a life that teaches my children what a real and authentic love story looks like.

Single women, society and social media.

Last week, on December 16th I got the most likes I've ever gotten on a post, 407  to be exact. I changed my status from single to in a relationship and it seemed like everyone I know took notice.

Social media and I have quite the strange relationship. It's one of my favorite things because of the way that it gives me access to my friends and family that are scattered all over the globe as well as to ideas and concepts from people that I may never meet.

I love posting pictures on Instagram and posting blog updates and life updates on Facebook and reading the updates of my friends and family. It's cool to be able to update a bunch of people at once about what's going on, especially when you don't have time to call or text all of them individually. What I don't love is the way that it can be used as an avenue for hate and discord and how it has the ability to give us a false sense of community and connection.

This week I found myself waist deep in some feelings that I didn't really expect to have. This year I've been so excited to post about different things that are going on in my life. In March I got a new job with Goodwill and I've been loving every minute of it. I moved into an adorable little carriage house in a suburb of Denver and started adulting hardcore. I helped plant a church in Denver in September and it's been one of the most enriching and out of my comfort zone experiences of my life so far.

None of that got anywhere close to the attention or likes that Patrick and I's relationship update got and that kind of made me feel a little weird.

I've talked to a few people about this, my dad, Patrick and a few of my coworkers and it's so interesting the value that is put on a female getting into a relationship, getting married or having children. When so many people commented on my relationship status, I was excited but it also made me feel like none of my other accomplishments compared to this one.

Am I reading too much into this? Or is there a real issue with society and the way that we view and value the accomplishments of single women?

I loved being single. I was happy, fulfilled, content and so driven. I didn't start living when I got into a relationship, it has definitely added to my happiness and I hope that it will for years to come but it didn't create it.

I'm not annoyed that so many people reached out when I started dating Patrick, believe me I totally get it, but it did force me to reflect on a few things.

As I write this, I realize that I'm guilty of everything that I'm blogging about. I've called and congratulated friends about engagements and baby announcements and sometimes have only liked or even over looked posts about graduations, or new jobs or life ventures. I haven't always been the feminist and supportive friend that I've hoped to see in the world and for that I feel bad.

So I'm sorry if you're a female and my friend and I haven't congratulated you on all of the milestones that you've reached in life. If I didn't reach out after you bought your own house, finished graduate school, paid off your student loans or did something that was truly amazing I apologize.

You're more than your relationship status, that's apart of your story but it's not your ENTIRE story.

So yes, I am in a relationship. I'm beyond excited about Patrick and the potential that I see in what we have. I'm more than open to talk and share about the relationship and I'm also really excited to talk about everything else going on in my life.

This post isn't meant to condemn anyone. If you reached out to me recently about what's going on in my life, please know that I appreciate you. What this is meant to do is to just be a space where I can be open and authentic about what I'm feeling and how recently in the midst of a really happy moment I found myself feeling strange.

So there you go, those are my thoughts for this week. They're not so pretty this time, a little rough around the edges but they're real and I hope that's good enough.

Until next time! Xoxo.

The freedom of childhood.

When I was a little girl I remember that right before a big storm, when the sky was dark and the flood gates were moments away from opening my mom would present us with a proposition.

She would challenge us to try and run across the yard to the fence and back before the rain started. As silly as it sounds whenever the chance presented itself we would always say yes. Sometimes she would run with us and other times she would stand on the back porch and laugh as we tried to touch the fence and get back to the house.

I used to really miss those days. Days where I was just a kid, waiting to grow up. The days where I would feel so free running through the grass as the sky got dark and the rain got closer. I felt so alive in those moments.

Moments where all we cared about, my siblings and I, was making my mom laugh and reaching the fence and then the house before the rain reached us. Sometimes we were successful and we'd barrel into the house one after another, out of breath but full on joy.

We had less worries back then. We didn't care so much about messing up our clothes or pulling out our phones so that we could put it on snapchat or about feeling or looking stupid. We would just run.

The reason I say that I used to miss those days is because I recently realized that the freedom of being a child does not have to be lost in adulthood. Children are free, in my opinion because they're trusting, they see the best in people and the situations they're placed in. Children don't search for faults but rather search for opportunities to love.

 When I was a kid and my mom told us to run through the grass, right before the craziness of a storm, we didn't stop and ask her what her intentions were. It never crossed our minds that we could get hurt running or that she might lock us out of the house or make fun of us for doing something so silly. We were kids and she was our mom, we trusted her, no questions asked.

I'm not saying that as adults we need to be 100% free and trusting of every situation and person that comes our way. I'm saying that if someone tells you that they're not going anywhere, that they care about you, that they want to invest in you, believe them.

Give them a chance to show you that if they send you out into the yard, with the impending storm only moments away, that they won't shut the door as you race back.

Relationships are tricky. They are tricky all by themselves without any additional baggage or weirdness but when we add fear to the mix, when we add the skepticism that adulthood often brings we make things even more difficult.

I wonder how our relationships, my relationships, would be different if we entered them with childlike faith, childlike trust, childlike love.

Jesus says to his disciples in Matthew 18, that unless they were to change and become like little children they would never enter into the kingdom of heaven. I've spent a lot of time thinking about that scripture and what I can say for certain is that I know that Jesus wasn't telling them to go backwards in their development or to start dressing like kids.

I think that Jesus was presenting them with a very clear and tangible example of living a life without fear. A life that is free to love, to be loved, to trust and to have faith...the life of a child.

How would you love differently if you did so without any fear? Don't just skim by that question, I want you to really think about it. What would be different in your life if you loved without any concern of rejection or humiliation but rather an openness to the possibilities that life had to offer you.

I'm still setting my intentions for the new year but something that's very high on my list is opening my heart and my life up to the love that I deserve. So often I shy away from things that are real. I tend to settle for the mediocrity of average relationships and that's not something I'm willing to do anymore. I'm not willing to miss what's real for the comfort and safety of the superficial.

So continuing with the theme of preparing for the life that we want in 2017, I say  to the grave with fear. Lets put fear to death and embrace the freedom and the hope that comes from loving like a child.

"There is an endless possibility for God to create a world within us, a world transformed through the bravery of perfect love."

A Christlike grace.

The other day after getting to work, I went outside to get some coffee and when I walked past my car I realized that something was different. There was a scratch on the back left side and the light lens was cracked. I sat there for quite a while confused about what had happened and eventually I reached the conclusion that someone had hit my car while I was home for vacation.

I spent a large part of my morning calling shops in the area trying to find the best place that I could go to get it fixed. I wasn't angry but I was very annoyed that I had to pay for something that I didn't do.

I now needed to take time out of my work day and make phone calls and adjust my monthly budget in order to factor in this unexpected work on my car. Work that needed to be done because of someone else's negligence.  This person's lack of responsibility for their actions resulted in me feeling inconvenienced and like I was being punished for what some random idiot did. 

Most people don't like being blamed or punished for something that they didn't do. If a little kid gets in trouble for a spill that their sibling created they'll scream and cry out about the injustice. As adults we're the same way. We complain, get annoyed and are so bothered when we have to clean up the mess that someone else created. Why am I the one that has to suffer when I didn't even do anything wrong? 

Today I was thinking about my situation and how unfair it all is and then my mind suddenly went to the cross. II Corinthians 5:21 says "For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."

My perfect and blameless savior became sin for me. Christ knew not sin but he decide to become it and pay the price for it so that I could be made righteous in him. 

I am so humbled by that truth. Humbled and embarrassed actually. Embarrassed that a person like myself, someone that has lied, has taken what doesn't belong to them and has lived the farthest thing from a perfect life could be so upset about paying the price for someone else. 

Christ died on the cross for me. He died for me and he died for you. Christ died for people that would never believe in him. People who will always argue his existence, curse his name and persecute those who love him. He died for the liars, the cheaters, the murderers, the racists, the pedophiles, the lost, the dirty and the marginalized. 

The perfect one, the one who knew no sin, laid down his life so that I could have the chance to find mine. 

Living a life that models the behavior and example that Christ set is a constant struggle for me. I have to die to myself daily. I have to constantly check myself and call myself out on my selfish and 'woe is me' behavior that in no way portrays the image of the father. 

Often when I'm writing I feel like I want to not only present an issue and discuss it but also at the end I want to provide a solution. Today, I have no solutions for you. If I'm being completely transparent and honest I'm sitting here still convicted about my feelings and the only thing that's giving me peace is knowing the sacrifice that Christ made for me. 

I am so blessed. Scratched car, cracked light lens and all...I am tremendously blessed by the sacrifice and the grace of the cross. May I be the type of person that extends that type of grace to those around me. The type of grace that forgives those who will never apologize and pays the price for a debt that I do not owe. The type of grace that though blameless is willing to wear the blame for another. 

The type of grace that models his sacrifice. A Christlike grace.   

Happy Thanksgiving

The longer I work in the Public school system, with under served youth from so many diverse and often hard to imagine backgrounds the more grateful I become for the opportunity to always go home.

Next week, for the holidays I'll be spending the whole week with my family and I am so looking forward to it. There's something so comforting in knowing that no matter how far I go that I'm always welcome home. That's a feeling that I don't take for granted because I know that not everyone gets to feel that way.

As humans we all long for community, for a home. I believe that we all have within us a desire to be welcomed by others, to have a place where we can let down all of our walls and just be.

I don't know if you know what it's like to feel lost or alone, like you don't belong anywhere or don't have a place to call home. I've never had those feelings myself but I've seen them, I've seen them in the eyes of students. Young people that are too young to know the feeling of rejection from the people that they call family.

I've never felt it but I've seen it and seeing it and being around it makes me hurt to my heart. It makes me value the home and the community that I have but it also makes me want to create that everywhere I go. I want to learn how to make the students that I interact with and the people that I meet feel safe, feel like they have a community and most importantly feel at home.

As I count down the days to Thanksgiving I can't help but to audibly acknowledge my blessings and all of the things that I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for my parents and the safe haven that they've always created in our home. I'm grateful for my siblings and how we always advocate for and support each other. I'm grateful for my church community, that they're not just people that I interact with on Sunday's but people I do life with.

I'm grateful for my friends and how they are continually putting up with my craziness. I'm grateful for the gifts and the talents that the Lord has blessed me with and how I've been able to use them to glorify his kingdom.

 Right now, more than anything, I'm beyond grateful for my job and the way that it exposes me to situations that I had never seen before. Situations that show me how to have a little more compassion, a little more patience, a little more empathy.

I struggle sometimes with putting myself in other people's shoes and allowing myself to settle into their skin, to see the world from their perspective. Sometimes I'm so deep in my own life that I forget to look up and take in what's going on around me.

 As I get ready to spend an awesome week at home I can't help but to see all of those that aren't sure of where or with who they'll spend the holiday. My favorite holiday, the one where I'm surrounded by so much love and laughter is for others a day where they're reminded of how alone they feel.

How can those of us that know what it's like to have a home and a community make ourselves available to be a source of love for those that are lacking it? I don't know all of the answers but I do know that love is the starting point. I wasn't there when my parents first decided to start a life together and to build a home but I think that love was the main component. So if we're sincere in our intentions and we love others, maybe just maybe, they'll feel like they belong...maybe with us they'll feel like they have a home.

Happy thanksgiving everyone. May you be surrounded by love this holiday season and may that fuel you to love others.

Xoxo.

Here's to 'Happily ever after.'

"When the time comes for me to fall in love, I hope I love the way I learned to ride a bike. Scared but reckless."

I've idolized love and marriage my entire life. I've thought of it as the ultimate goal, the place where every wrong would be turned right, every tear would have meaning, every sad day would be washed away. I would dream about the dress, walking down the aisle with my dad, my mom crying in the front row..for as long as I can remember all I've ever wanted was to get married.

As I sit here writing this I think it's so insane that so many little girls are raised with marriage in the forefront of their minds. Not necessarily because their parents beat them over the head with the idea but rather because culture and media does. I was raised watching Disney movies and other films that didn't have swearing or sex scenes but almost all ended with a girl meeting some wonderful guy and falling in love and most importantly living happily ever after.

Since I was little I've associated marriage with living happily ever after and who doesn't want living happy to be their goal?

Man, was I way off.

This year I had the honor and the privilege of attending four weddings. It was so cool to see some of my closest friends vow forever to each other in front of their family, their friends and in front of God. I cried, I wore bridesmaid dresses, I danced until my feet were killing me but not once did I think "I wish that was me."

My views on marriage and love have changed so much this year. It has gone from being something that I was striving for and arranging my life in order to get to, to instead being something that's now on the back burner.

Falling in love and getting married will never complete me. It won't. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Once I learned that undeniable truth, I was able to dive head first into the things that truly bring me peace, completion and so much happiness.

This weekend while I was watching my college roommate get married I was so happy for her. I was genuinely filled to the brim with happiness because I knew that there wasn't even a hint of jealousy in me. It wasn't there because I'm no longer living in this world as half of a person searching for the other parts of me.

I talked to my best friend, who just got married in March, about this topic and she gave me an interesting perspective. She affirmed my feelings that the idea of being incomplete is a turn off but then said that instead of that person completing you think of it as them complimenting you, which I loved.

She also reminded me that God works through the people in our lives and believes that he uses our friends and spouses to help us where we're weak and to build us up where we may be torn down. Just like he used her and this conversation to help me see how marriage is not completion but it's definitely a partnership and an opportunity for two people to grow not only as individuals but together.

The Lord has been working in my heart so much this year and has been pouring his love over me in such a mighty way that it reminds me of how it's impossible for anyone on this earth to love me more than him. I think that the person that I am now could actually be in a healthy and life giving relationship because I'm able to love others from a place of completion compared to scarcity.

So here's to allowing our forever person to compliment us instead of asking them to take on the daunting and assigned to God task of completing us. Here's to happily ever after.

Until next time. Xoxo.