A relationship in orbit.

Dating is weird. You meet a person and you decide that you not only think that they're attractive but you also think that they're someone that you want to spend an ungodly amount of time with. So you change your status on Facebook and put a heart emoji next to their name in your phone and just like that you're a couple.

 I've written before about how watching my parents taught me a lot about love and marriage but I didn't get the privilege of watching them when they were just a couple, just boyfriend and girlfriend. I think if I did I would have learned some of the ins and outs of this relationship business.

Dating doesn't solve any of the issues or insecurities that we as single people tend to have. Rather, I think it grabs batteries from a dusty drawer in the kitchen, loads the closest flashlight and illuminates everything that you've tried to hide for years. 

The more time you spend with someone the more they get to know you. That's a sentence that we're all familiar with but we should also add that they don't just get to know the rose colored parts of you but also the weird, scarred and quirky parts of you. 

After a few months of dating, Patrick knows quite a bit about me. He knows that I call every dog that I see fluffy. He knows that I have moments where I'm irrational and literally annoyed for no reason. He knows that I'm a sucker for the simple things and he also knows that it's the littlest things at times that really grind my gears. 

At this point in our relationship he's really starting to know me and not just the parts of me that are easily shared but also the parts that are not. The parts that I'm not always so proud of, the parts that I'm working on. 

Relationships are a constant journey of trusting, trusting and trusting some more. Trusting that the love you give will be returned. Trusting that this flaw or that flaw won't be the one that's nonnegotiable. Trusting that if they're choosing to love you today than they'll choose to do it tomorrow as well. 

I thought that relationships were easy, that they were fun ALL the time and that once you're in love it fixes every thing. I was way off base. Healthy relationships aren't always easy but they're worth it. I have so much fun with Patrick but not every conversation that we have is fun. Some conversations are hard and are uncomfortable but they are the foundation for what we're trying to build, a strong and lasting relationship.

At the core of it all I've learned that by keeping Christ at the center of our relationship we've revolved it around something that will never fail. When we first met each other, we sat at a coffee shop and talked for hours and the thing that we talked about the most was Christ. That was the catalyst that prompted a second date that eventually led to a relationship.

As we get to know each other more and begin to see the quirks and hiccups of each others lives the thing that we're orbiting around still hasn't changed. Which I think is what makes every hard conversation easier, every laugh more joyful and every small kind gesture so big.

So I guess I didn't need to be a fly on the wall while my parents were dating. I didn't need a cheat sheet that showed me how to fight fair or how to choose to love. All I needed was to put Christ at the center, meet someone else that did the same and let the rest of the story be written by him.

Xoxo.

The Good in Goodwill.

This week I celebrated my one year anniversary at my job and it kind of snuck up on me. I was talking to a mentor at one of my schools and he asked me how I got involved with Goodwill and when I started. I nonchalantly answered him and told him that I started on March 7th and then it hit me that I had started exactly one year ago that day.

It's crazy how fast time flies when you're doing something that you truly love.

When I first started at Goodwill I remember feeling such a peace in my soul about what I was doing. I remember feeling like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I feel pretty blessed to still feel that way everyday.

Throughout this short and lightning fast year I've learned a lot about myself but more than anything I've acquired so much knowledge about the complexities of education. I've learned and seen first hand that for some students, high school can be an almost insurmountable challenge.

Before starting at Goodwill I think it's safe to say that I had lived a pretty privileged and sheltered life. I was home schooled my entire life and after that I went to a small all women's college before working for a global education program for 4 years.The majority of the people that I had worked with and had gotten a chance to know had supportive parents that pushed them to get the best education possible.

In my mind, if you didn't get a high school diploma it was because you were lazy and didn't care about your education. Man, was I way off. I've met students that are the main bread winners for their families, students that can barely make it to school on time because they're just getting off work before the first bell rings. Students with learning disabilities that have gone unnoticed and untreated their entire lives.

I thought that attendance, grades and graduation rates were black and white. I thought that people fell in either one of two categories, the motivated or the unmotivated. Those that cared and those that could care less. The truth is, that education is such a multifaceted and complex topic and the reason why some don't have proper access to it or don't have the resources that they need to succeed can be even more complex.

I truly love what I do. I love it because it not only gives me a chance to provide under served youth with the resources that they deserve but it also is continually opening my eyes to the trials and tribulations of human life.

Not everyone has the privilege of being raised in a two parent home. Not all students have the privilege of being able to come home from school and JUST focus on their homework without having to do many other tasks to help their parents. Not every student has the privilege of knowing where their next meal will come from.

Often times it's not an issue of whether someone is lazy or motivated. Often times it's so much more than that and it takes someone getting in the trenches and showing students that they truly care to find the answer and that's what Goodwill does.

Two years ago the only thing I knew about Goodwill was that it was a company that sold used clothes. I had no idea that in Denver alone it was an organization that served over 17,000 youth and those are only the numbers from the 2015-2016 school year. I had no idea that they brought in mentors from the community to work with students and to be a consistent and supportive adult figure in their life. I had no idea that they ran adult programs that help to break the cycle of poverty and gives those with mental and physical challenges opportunities to work traditional jobs.

The 'Good' in Goodwill is that we are about so much more than just clothes, we're about people and their futures and their children's future. We're about families rising out of the pit of poverty and youth not being a victim of the school to prison pipeline. We're about doing good and having that good start where it often matters most, the classroom and in the lives of people in our communities.

So keep shopping at Goodwill friends because the money that you spend in our stores goes directly to programs for youth and adults in your neighborhood. Do your part and I'll continue to do mine and together we'll keep the Good in Goodwill.

Xoxo.

Lovely.

The other day I took a trip to my favorite coffee shop. Across from me was a young lady, about my age, with long red hair and clear green eyes and every time I looked up she was staring at me. It was kind of an intense situation because she was only sitting one table away from me. The more I tried to avoid her eye contact the more awkward and weird I felt.

I had just gotten to the coffee shop so I was still settling in and putting my things down and when I finally went to get a cup of coffee she spoke to me.

She looked me right in the eyes and she said “Hi, how are you?” I smiled and told her that I was doing fine and then asked how she was doing. She told me that she was doing well and then a huge smile spread across her face and she said “You are lovely, I noticed that when you walked in and had to tell you.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh. As far as looks were concerned I wasn’t having my best morning. I had gone to bed late the night before and woke up early to meet Patrick for breakfast before he went to work. My face felt tired and my body matched those sentiments. In that moment, lovely was not the word I would have used to describe myself. Yet there I was, surrounded by people I didn’t know and where I saw a frazzled hot mess this lady with flowing red hair saw something lovely.

How often do we do that? We look at ourselves and see all the flaws, all the things that are out of place and the things that aren’t quite right. We see the bags under our eyes and the air of exhaustion radiating from our skin and miss all the layers of ‘lovely’ that envelope us.

I took a break from blogging recently. My reasoning was that I thought I needed to refocus. I thought I needed space to clear my head and find the beauty in the ashes but now I think the truth is that I got caught up in the mess. I got so caught up, in fact,  that I was lost in the cobwebs and the dust and missed all of the gorgeous layers and hints of lovely.

The thing about commitment, real commitment, is that it’s independent of feelings. I won’t always feel like writing, I won’t always feel like my thoughts or opinions are valuable and I’m sure that I won’t always feel like I have something important to share. Commitment though, doesn’t really care about how I feel. Commitment calls out to my integrity and requires of me that I show up and do what I said that I would do regardless of how I feel.

Because when you learn to show up, even when most of you feels unprepared, unmotivated and even unworthy, that's when you start to realize that lovely things are all around you. It's in the follow through of our word and being willing to step into the uncomfortable places that we learn how to really see it.

So here I am. An inexperienced, passionate, joy filled and sometimes unmotivated writer ready to embark on a journey with you. One where I commit to the process and instead of being attached to the outcome I become attached to always showing up.

I encourage you to master the art of showing up, it'll be especially useful if you ever find yourself in the place that I found myself a month ago. Feeling like an arrow. Like I needed to pull back in order to be shot forward. Regardless of how you feel, show up and be committed to your word. You might be feeling like an arrow but maybe you're meant to be an anchor. Steady, unmovable, reliable, always staying in place even when the waves are rolling and the storm is raging.

So for now I'm committing to that. To being the anchor even when I feel like I'd much rather be an arrow. Maybe one day I'll run into you in a coffee shop. You'll be standing there thinking that you look frazzled, unwashed, and a mess and I'll be the one staring, trying to find the words to describe something so lovely.

Xoxo,

Operation revamp.

It's the first week of February and to me it already feels like such a jam packed year. At the end of 2016 I wrote a list of monthly goals I had for my blog. Things I wanted to accomplish in January, February and so on.

I picked up that list yesterday for the first time this year. It's fair to say that I haven't done a great job of prioritizing this gem lately. I love writing and I love posting each week and I'm not sure why I haven't been setting aside time to make it everything that I know it can be. Time to write thoughtful and relevant pieces that encourage and inspire the people that read them. Some weeks I forget to write a new blog until it's Wednesday night and I only have a few hours before I need to post it and it usually ends up being content that I'm not super excited about. I like being excited about what I write.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take a month. The whole month of February to be exact to do a few things. Some of the things that I would like to do is produce a ton of content, develop a posting calendar, look for a new site to host my blog and search my heart and try to revive my passion for writing and most importantly my passion for this.

I want to always be intentional about my writing. I want to always make it a purpose to post pieces that are well thought out and well thought through. I don't want to be a last minute 'throw something together' artist and I definitely don't want to do this out of a sense of obligation compared to a sense of passion.

I'm really excited for this month and the peace that I think it will bring. I'm excited to seek God and my heart about how to stay engaged, relevant and focused each week. I'm stoked to come up with a mission statement for myself and this blog and to write pieces that align with that purpose and that mission and say NO to things that don't.

Right now I'm feeling a little bit scared and nervous to step away. The fear that I'll lose readers and people will forget about me is weighing heavily on my shoulders but I can't let that deter me from making what I think is the right decision.

 A year ago this week I went to a concert that changed my life. I saw Bethel Music live at their worship night in Denver and when I left I remember being overcome with a sense of courage that I had never experienced before. I left wanting to seek the lost and bring hope and love to those who lack it. I left wanting to be anything but mediocre and wanting that to flow into every aspect of my life.

I don't that it's a coincidence that almost a year to the date I'm on the total opposite end of the spectrum. Feeling like I'm going with the flow and just doing the least amount of work as possible with something that I love so much. So yeah, this new direction is a little scary but I'm a firm believer in the idea that fear often precedes a great adventure and I'm excited for what this month of reflection and redirection will bring. I'm ready to be overcome with courage and love and for that to flow into my work, I'm ready for a revamp.

March. March. March. That's when this beautiful thing will be back up and running and hopefully more engaging, thoughtful and dialogue invoking than ever. See you in a few weeks friends!

P.S. Happy Black History month! Xoxo

The catalyst.

"Christianity cannot be a theory. Jesus is so much better than a theory. He's so much better than a good sermon. He's a radical catalyst toward a way of living that's not of this world."

The word catalyst is defined as being a substance that causes a chemical reaction to occur or the prime agent of any change. The prime agent of any change...I think that all of us can look at our stories and pick out people and situations that have caused great change in our lives.

In my life I could easily name and recall moments and encounters that have greatly impacted the trajectory of my life. Encounters that have redirected areas of my life and caused me to completely change a behavior or even a certain mindset.

Jesus is no ordinary catalyst. I say that because when I truly began to know Jesus and allow him into my heart he didn't just change one area of my life he got his hands on every single aspect of my ordinary and mediocre life. Jesus was not just a chapter added to my story but rather he truly became my whole story.

Jesus is not just a theory. He's not just a man in history that had great ideals and at times spoke in circles and parables. Jesus is not just words on a page or the topic of a really great sermon. Jesus is alive and more than anything he desires to be invited into the inner most parts of your life...he desires to be invited into your heart.

I don't have much to say this week. I don't have a long post filled with thoughtful concepts and ideas and opinions...the only thing I have this week is my life's greatest truth. Jesus came to this earth for you and he came to this earth for me. He came to bring us home and invite us into a life of fellowship and love.

He's not just a theory or a good sermon....he's the greatest catalyst that this world will ever know and his name is Jesus.

Mr. President.

And just like that
we all looked up
and eight years was over

For years we watched in awe
as you took an office not created for you.

The laughter
the soulful songs
the human reactions and expressions

We smiled along with your joy
and released tears as you cried.

whether it's widely recognized
or highly debated
You've created a legacy

It seems like the years flew by faster than we realized
and in just a few short days
you'll be the past
and someone else will be in charge

But please know that the posts
the letters
the support
won't stop when your spot is left vacant

You've inspired millions.

Where there was once an imagined person
a fairy tale character
that matched our skin tone
and understood our slang

a person that didn't stop at sympathizing
but took a step further to empathize

A figure that was once only a dream
came to life the moment you took that oath.

The first person I ever voted for
looked like
spoke like
walked like
and sang like me.

A sight for sore eyes he was.

Far from perfect
and even farther from blameless
you made mistakes
you stumbled
you had to retrace a few steps
but you did so with a grace
that will always be admired.

A President that invited change
encouraged hope
and loved the lost.

Thank you for your service
and for your sacrifice.

Thank you for your courage
and your humility.

Thank you for hearing the feedback
and not being destroyed by the criticism.

Thank you for always fighting for us.
and for understanding what I mean by "us."

You are respected.

You are human,

You are missed.

You are our President.

Loving people well.

Happy New Year! I really can't believe that it's already 2017. Last year flew by so quickly I feel like I blinked twice and it was over. As I start on this trek that is the new year I do so with a resolve to live life a little differently.

In 2017, before anything else, I want to love God and people well. For so long I've been the type of person that simply returned the love I was given. I showed people the kindness and the love that they showed me and never sought to surpass their level of affection.

If someone was mean to me or didn't go out of their way to be nice then I wouldn't go out of my way either. I've never felt bad about loving people conditionally, until now. For the last few months I haven't been able to shake the sense that I'm doing a disservice to myself and others with the way that I love.

It's risky to love people. If I'm speaking for just myself, it's hard to put my heart on the line especially when I'm not sure if my feelings are going to be reciprocated or even welcomed.

For a while now, I've really been trying to reflect and embody the life of Christ. The more that I dive into the example of Jesus, the more I realize that loving without any expectations of what you'll get in return was his specialty.

When I look at scripture, when I evaluate the life of Christ and the way that God loves, it's very clear and without question that God loves without condition. He loved us so much that he gave his son to die for our sins so that we could, if we so choose to accept it, have eternal life.

I can't imagine giving my life for someone who would never appreciate it, never acknowledge it, never thank me for it...yet that's what Christ did. Jesus gave his life so that humans like you and I, would have a chance at eternal life if we wanted it. Jesus had no guarantees that people would accept his offer or love him in return and he died anyway. Despite the uncertainty, despite the pain, Jesus loved us anyway.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life and my walk of faith. I can't continue to love with condition. I can't keep being the person that only puts their heart on the line when it's safe. I can't do all of those things and continue to call myself a follower of Christ. I just can't do it.

This year won't be easy. It will be a journey of putting my feelings and everything that 27 years of living in this world has taught me aside in order to love people the way that Christ loves me. To be a vessel of Christ's love with every person that I come in contact with. It won't be something that I'm perfect at or that I get down in a day but it's something that I'm committed to, something that I won't give up on.

So cheers to loving people and God well. May we embody his sacrifice, his grace and his approach at life. May we aim to love without condition and project that love into the lives of everyone we encounter.