Friday, April 29, 2016

The truth about me and grace...

I'm often misunderstood. Most of the time my mind moves as fast as my mouth does and by the time I've decided what I want to say, all of the thoughts leading up to it are already out in the world. So like I said I'm OFTEN misunderstood and understandably so. How can you be upset about people getting you wrong when you can't even reign in your mouth long enough to allow people to get you right.

It's a constant struggle of mine. Whether I'm cutting someone off while they're trying to finish their sentence or blurting out something really ridiculous and uncalled for I sometimes feel like I only understand myself in retrospect.

When I'm uncomfortable or feeling threatened I automatically become very sarcastic and the strangest things come out of my mouth. I'm already pretty quirky which is something I really like about myself but when I'm in this place I become removed and almost hurtful with the things that I say. I often find myself looking back on these moments thinking "Wow, where did that person come from?"

So what? Where am I going with this? As much as I try to be someone who empowers and inspires the people I come in contact with, there will always be times where I'm not that person. There will be times where I say things that are hurtful, when I lash out at someone who doesn't deserve it or from a place of insecurity make someone else feel insecure. Is it on purpose? Absolutely not! But will it happen? Certainly.

That's why I will always be thankful for grace. The definition of grace in regards to Christianity is "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings." I've seen God's grace manifested in my life in SO many ways and one of those ways is through the people that he's placed in my life.

I don't have a lot of friends, I really don't. It used to be something that I felt really weird about but now I realize that quality is so much more valuable than quantity. The people that I spend my time with in Denver or from home are people that understand me, love me and extend so much grace to me. They laugh at my dumb jokes, call me out when I say something crazy and are forgiving when I allow myself to be dragged into a nasty mood.

I'm blessed two fold in this situation with the realization that I have some areas where I really falter and secondly with friends that support and love me in the growing phases.

The curse of humanity is that regardless of how hard we try, we'll never be perfect and that's where grace steps in. Grace allows for a sinner to be saved, the hated to be loved and the damned to have life. Grace is the foundation of strong relationships whether that be with God or just with friends and family.

I would be lost if it were not for grace and as I understand it more everyday I'm completely wrecked (in the best way) by how incredible it is. Thank you for letting me be so real and direct in this blog and thank you for reading it each week.  The grace that YOU extend to me as readers, with my punctuation errors and run on sentences, does not go unnoticed.

Until next time gang. XOXO

1 comment:

  1. I have such a deep appreciation for what you have written Nicole and at the very end of reading it I just sat here and smiled. For me, I have come to realize that I am always interested in the content of what you write and not so much of the grammatical side of things (because personally that's me too ;) ). Which actually just struck me in this moment of how you spoke about quality versus quantity. That feels to me like it also speaks to how we may relate to others - are we looking at the quality someone offers (i.e. someone wanting to be with you as the unique, talented, creative individual that you are)? or the quantity (i.e. are they "perfect" every time they show up in relation to me? do I feel they are looking for my "perfectness"?) and that's where I feel grace falls into place too. Can not only others have grace in relation with me - but can I have grace with myself too?

    I am just feeling such gratitude for you writing this Nicole. I feel that helps me remember the times and interactions I have had with you too. Some of them I realized I was not extending grace myself to you and maybe you didn't extend to me either AND as a result there has been a tremendous amount of growth. For that I just feel really thankful to have you continually be a part of my life - so thank you for you and your grace :)