Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Come on home...

I've got a box full of bones and a brain that's inside out
empty hands longing for something to hold
and a dream hanging from the door post collecting dust.

In six days time
I'll be bag in hand
headed to the next town.

Every thing around me is saturated in you
your scent
your laugh
your hurt
your stains

I'm leaving this place and I'm never looking back
I've learned from the mistakes
of every Lot's wife I've met
you're the last one

You're the last one...

It's time to go home.

Friday, December 4, 2015

When your heart bleeds for more than you can hold...

This has been quite the year, quite the last six months actually. My life has been in this huge transition process and every time I think it's almost over God shows me another area where I need to make adjustments.

I'm starting to think that life in general is a constant adjustment process. Whether you're adjusting to a new job, a new addition to the family, a boyfriend, a spouse there's always adjustments to be made.

With that being said one area where I've made a lot of adjustments is what I allow to occupy my time. Since I started focusing less on things that in my opinion don't matter I've noticed that my heart has become so much softer to what I think are things that are closer to The Lords heart. So much so to the point where I'm starting to realize that I can't help everyone and I can't do everything even though I want too.

I feel called to ministry. With all of my heart and with every fiber of my being I feel like The Lord is calling me to spend my days pursuing his heart and leading souls to his kingdom. Now whether that means I pursue music ministry or become a missionary or something else I'm not sure but I know it's going to be a career that is centered around leading souls to him.

BUT I'm also really passionate about human trafficking, did you know that it's the third largest criminal industry in the world? Also I'm passionate about gun control and with the most recent incident in California being the 355th mass shooting in the country this year I think it's time for a change. Also I'm passionate about education and women's rights and global poverty and all of the kids around the world that don't have food to eat or access to a sanitary place to use the restroom.

My heart breaks for what's going on in this world and as much as I try to be strong there are times where I find myself lost in tears because of things I don't know how to stop but want too. So what do I do? What do you do when you want to help everyone?

Well, I think the first thing to do is to remember that just because you can't help everyone doesn't mean that you can't help someone. I feel very blessed to have a heart that's so moved by the world and what happens in it. I would much rather be the type of person that cries after writing another letter to politicians about gun control or fills their schedule with volunteer opportunities than someone who is unmoved by the tragedies that so often surround us.

I plan to seek God for what he wants me to dedicate my life too and I hope everyone who reads this does the same. Lets all aim to make the world a better place and begin everyday like we're on a mission to leave everyone we meet better than we found them.

We can't help everyone but that doesn't mean that we can't help someone. Below I've listed different organizations that I support that actively work to eliminate different issues in the world if you have a second please check them out and see how you can make a difference!

A21 Campaign: Aims to abolish injustice in the 21st century- A non-profit committed to improving toilet and sanitation conditions worldwide.

The Global poverty Project- Aims to end Global poverty by 2030 -

To Write Love on Her Arms - An organization dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Words can not contain him.

Inspired by the album - We will not be shaken- Bethel Music

I locked you up inside my chest
and your roar ripped wildly through my heart
you're a burning flame
the brightest blaze
silly me
you can not be contained.

So I open my mouth and praises flood past my lips
it's so new
so foreign
yet I'm home.

As I write and my fingertips seem to move without my control
I feel like a fraud
trying to contain such majesty within such incapable words

What manner of man is this
that even the winds and the seas obey him?
Who are you?
How can I put to words something so big?

Something so immeasurable
yet it fills my soul.
Impossible to put into a box
yet he's constantly by my side.

I tried to lock you up
first in books
and in songs
and in simple "I'm a Christian" declarations
and you came around and turned me on my head.
You took all that I thought I knew
and made it pale in comparison to who you actually are.

Words can't contain you
songs can't explain you
and poems
even when they rhyme
can't seem to do you justice.

You're a burning flame
the brightest blaze
silly me
you can't be contained.

I write poetry. Poetry is what I do, even when I don't post it online I often write poetry to describe what I'm feeling and what's going on in my life. The hardest thing I've ever had to write about is Christ. Truly it boggles my mind. I often feel like I should write about him and post it all over the world so everyone knows how wonderful he is and how he makes me feel. Then when I sit down and try to actually do it, to put him on a page, I often end up coming up short. Every single time I write about him I end up feeling like the words just don't do him justice and they don't. I could be the best writer in the world and I would never truly be able to put him on a page. He's too great. God is too big to be on a page or on a screen, it's truly impossible. Yet all I have are these words and he's the love of my life so I give him my best and even though it's not enough that's almost the beauty of it. My imperfect offering will always pale in comparison to his perfect love. I've never been so okay, so happy, so in love, with such an imbalanced relationship...

Thursday, August 27, 2015

For God so loved the world...

When all else fails
and my feet won't hold my body
when the ground underneath me shakes
and I can't see what's before me

I'll lift my eyes to you
and find solace in your presence
my heart will not faint
and my soul will not grow weary
instead it will find joy in your unfailing love

Oh the peace that floods my soul
as I hide in your embrace.
my strength and my redeemer
lover of my soul.

I'm not sure if I believe that words can ever truly express the way that The Lord truly loves us. As humans we're programmed and constantly exposed to conditional love to the point to where when we are presented with a love that is as pure as God's and we hear that it's's often hard to believe.

At least that's how I felt. The idea that God loves me because of who I am, flaws, mistakes, disobedience, sinful lifestyle and all at one point was unbelievable for me. So for years I lived this Christian lifestyle that allowed me to fear God but didn't allow me to be loved by him. The other night I was in my bed crying, overwhelmed by God's love for us and I couldn't believe that for years I lived without his warm embrace, not because he didn't offer it to me but rather because I refused to take it.

The Lord has taught me so much these last few weeks about love and who he is and I'm so amazed by how simple it all is. When I read the gospels and see how Jesus interacted in this world and the instructions he gave his disciples I see that we as humans complicate faith and make it hard to grasp. We think that we have to be perfect or that we're not good enough for him, yet The Lord is asking for us to simply come to him and he'll do the rest.

I love the fact that The Lord doesn't ask us to have it all figured out but rather he asks that we trust him and allow his perfect will to work in our lives. Thank you Lord for your grace and your love and the fact that you loved us so much that you gave your only son to die for our sins. Words can not contain you and that's the beauty of all that you are. .

John 3:16.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I don't deserve you...yet you're mine.

From the inside out I'll save a space for you
I'll carve out the bad
and leave room for you
my being becoming a place for you
to lead me in your will
and erase the pain
of me trying to guide myself.

If I use up all that's left of me
to make my life an example of your love
Than all of me would be used
to portray you and your ultimate sacrifice
and what an honor it would be.

One day I'll die
and when I open my eyes I'll be in your arms
and my 80 or so years will pale in comparison to eternity
Eternity in your perfect presence.

So carve out the bad I will
and prune out the evil that has made a home under my skin
I'll invite you in so that you can search my heart
search my heart and extract all that's not like you.

My heart burns for you
My soul yearns for your presence
My knees buckle at the sound of your name
and as it comes from my human mouth I can't help but feel like we're not worthy
we're not worthy enough to even speak your name
yet you place it on our lips.
We don't deserve to spend forever in your presence
yet you died so that we could.

My mind tries to understand your love and it escapes me.
I can't conceive it but I can see it everywhere I turn
and feel it in everything I do.

I don't deserve you
yet you're mine
and I am yours.

Oh to spend eternity with you,
what an unearned reward...
what a loving God.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Love has a name.

From ocean to ocean
Bank to bank
I've searched

Under every rug
and behind every wall.

Inside every box
and between the pages of every book,

I searched for a purpose
in a world filled with darkness and hate.

I longed for warmth
in the arms of the devil and all of his agents.

I slept at the feet of the broken
hoping that together we'd become whole.

I sought something that would make me complete
something that would add the remaining 24 letters to the inadequate alphabet that was me.

Yet all along there you were
in every dirty situation that I put myself in
that left me broken and confused.

There you were
when scarred hands caressed my sinful body
trying to give me peace.

There you were
when the alcohol blazed fires down my throat
and took erasers to my memory.

Yet I didn't see you

You called my name
and yet I didn't hear you.

You reached out your hand for me
and yet I didn't take it.

Until I did.

Until one day the pain
became too much.

Until one day, the filth
became too much.

Until one day
the thought of living another day without you
became too much.

And it made all the difference.

Your love came down from heaven
and became human for me.

Your love looked at my sins
and washed them away.

Your love took my reflection
which I called flawed
and made it beautiful.

Oh the blood that was shed for us
that we may be called sons and daughters of Christ.

When I came to you with an open heart
and tear stained cheeks
you took my hand
and changed my life.

And what a life it has become.

I thought I was living...
Now I know that I am.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Fictional tales

"You can't undo a fall like this!"
They screamed trying to warn me
Because apparently love
Since it can sometimes hurt
Is something worth warning about 

I didn't want too but i heard their voices
And it clouded my judgement 
When i first laid eyes on you
Your smile, though endearing 
Held traces of a warning that finally made sense and was clear

I didn't mean to leave you there
Endearing smile and all
Hands outstretched 
Expecting my embrace
Left empty and scarred

I could love you better
But only if my heart 
Was empty and unafraid

But those voices in my head
And their cautious warnings
Left me fearful instead

So I'll love you like I love the rest
In inhales and exhales as I run
Maybe you should have listened to the voices
Like I did
Instead of opening up
And coming undone 

Wednesday, July 1, 2015


Clap your hands
and close your eyes
it all comes down to this.

We're lost in each other

Or rather

It's safer to say
that I'm the one lost

In you.

My eye sight is blurry
and your face is all that's clear
and when I try to catch my breath
I instead... inhale your scent.

I used to rhyme and my words made sense
now they're jumbled
and my sentences rearranged
commas misplaced
and capital letters replaced.

You're not my everything
THAT I can say with strength
but you're the rest
and that's a lot.

Love me easy
and leave me wrapped in the safety of your embrace
for I fear the cold
will snatch away the memories

There will never be anyone better than you
and I'll never be the same.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

First you choose and then I'll move...

The gasp of surprise that slips from your lips
fails to stop me as my words stain your memory
and as everything
and I mean everything
falls apart in front of my eyes

I'm lost in the black hole which is my anger
And you
someone who used to be the eye of the storm
is caught in the rage of confusion that blinds me

Love me not and leave me easy
for this path will ruin us all
OR lose yourself in me
and hide your face in my flaws
and I'll restrain my arms
and more importantly my tongue
from ruining the key
that opened the lock that set me free.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

The empty grave.

And if your bones bend back together
and the grave rejects your stay
as your heart starts beating
with renewed life what would you say?

Saturday, March 21, 2015


If it's any consolation
you're not any more lost than you were
before he left.

In case this helps
he still whispers your name
at night
when he sleeps.

This might not make you feel better
but I asked him if he loved me
and he said not yet
not until the last one sets him free.

You're the last one.

I don't think you realize what you did to him
to us.

All you can think about are the bruises on your heart
and the feelings that you're getting as they fade.
but every night I try to wipe away his scars
the ones you left
and realize that some things never change.

So I'll write you this letter
with the meanest intentions
and hope that my anger fades from the paper
before you read it
and the words you have to say to him burst into flames
 in your mouth
before you speak them.

He was perfect
and you the monster that changed his innocent ways.

I don't think I hate you...
but maybe I do.
And that maybe is the strongest truth.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


But today, for once, I'll let myself get stopped in my tracks
and scream words filled with context to the sky

I'll wipe away the agenda as the new plans fills the page
and I'll do all this in memory of your name

When they tell me what to do I'll move in silence
And work around the usual and old me
If they tell me what happened I'll drown out every single word
Because all that matters is the world is missing you.

So I'll take what's left of it and make a movie
And fill the scenes with images that tell your tale
And as they watch their eyes will fill with pain and sorrow
Knowing that our tomorrows came before yours ever will

I'll write page after page just for your name
So that it will never be forgotten or replaced
I'll sing songs that ring with tales of your childhood
And make sure to live the life that you never could

Please forgive me as I walk away from the mourners
Who knew so little yet seem to cry more than I can stomach
Don't judge me for calling them all impostors
That want the attention but never wanted the weight of being your friend.

My only regret is that I really should have loved you
More than you ever asked or wanted me too
I should have wrapped you in the patient arms of Jesus
And let him wipe away all the hurt you wish you never knew.

Sleep peacefully and I pray you want for nothing
As the silence of step two fills your ears
Embrace the love that I hope now surrounds you
and don't look back because all you'd see is our tears.

I'll wait for them to leave before I reenter
And leave the book of you open and your movie on replay
As they read they'll hear your laughter fill the room
And see your stories move like angels on the page.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Day seven

And I'll stop at the bank
To cash all your lies
Your mouth says one thing
But the truth I can't find...

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Day six

I once had a dog

before him

I had never taken care of anything but myself

Then we picked him up

His name had eight letters

I still use them today to protect my secrets

My dog

That I once had

A long time ago

Rocked the world with each lift of his giant paws

and his absence sent waves through my life

What a companion he was

I once had a best friend

That sat with me when I was sad

and listened to my fears

that friend was always there to give me hugs

To fill my life with love

To soften all the blows

To wipe away tears....

I remember when I had a dog.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Day five

And I don't regret a single moment that you took from me

or any of the words that I gave to you

I regret only that we slipped away to quickly and is wasn't what I thought would last

I don't frown when I think about the moments

That made every single piece of art in this world in comparison look dull

I regret only not taking full advantage

Of that fact that you were mine

And I was yours.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Day four

Counter tops and counter actions
Color blindness and kind reactions
Couples laughing while sadness rings
Continued conniptions that don't mean a thing.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Day three

Don't stop at words
letters fall and drop
they hit the ground like bombs
and just as they explode
so does everything else

Don't stop at feelings
emotions come just as quickly as they go
and when they fade away like mist
all we have is a naive idea of what's real

Don't stop at a touch
as your finger touches my skin
leaving marks on the rim
I'm left feeling the innocence
of where reality ends
and fairy tales begin

Don't stop when the walls are just falling down
When the leaves are changing
flowers blooming from the ground
give me all of you
don't stop at your skin
gives me what's underneath
to the core of where you begin.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Day two

There are some days in your life that are marked and noted in your mental journal by significant moments and for me today was one of those days.

We left Albuquerque, New Mexico today and headed for Tucson Arizona. The weather was cold, the bus warm and the road long. I was pretty excited about it because my host family gave me a book and I intended to read it. The book is called 'Into the wild,' and I had heard of the movie before but I wasn't familiar with the story.

I read all but the last twenty pages of the book during our almost 8 hour drive and I was moved to tears more times than I'm ready to admit. This book that follows the journey of a young man that ends up dying in the woods in Alaska did more than just tell me a cool story, instead it showed me what it's like to live without any borders.

The book is so interesting because it's such a tragic story of bravery and stupidity all bound together with the timeless idea that society has no right to tell you what to do or who to be.

I could have finished the book but I didn't, not yet. I know how it ends, I know that it's nonfiction and that it doesn't play out too well for the lead..I know what happens. Yet I can't finish it yet because I feel so invested in the faith that this guy had in himself and his abilities. It wasn't just something that he bragged about with no intention of ever actually pursuing his dreams. Instead he acted more than he spoke and left an impact on every single person that he encountered along his way and he wasn't even 25.

I think it's better to die covered in your failed attempt at a dream than live a life paved by the idea of "What ifs."

Tomorrow I will finish the book and I'm certain that I will cry. I will cry for young lives lost for brave souls that dare to take the route that isn't safe but makes them feel fulfilled and also for those who play it safe and will never know what it's like to dare to do something.

"The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." - Into the Wild. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Day one.

It was good enough
but good enough
for me
never changed lives or made hearts race

So I left it
and as I walked away you yelled after me

"you'll regret this."

But I didn't

So Instead of counting it as a loss
I sorted it into the lines of missed misfortunes
and counted my blessings instead

So regret was something I never felt
but I still see what you meant.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Writing the wrongs.

I can't seem to muster up the feelings
to give this the respect its due

I thought at least we'd have a messy romance
filled with late nights
and sloppy kisses
and text messages that make no sense to anyone but us

Instead I seem to have nothing
and one would think that would make me feel

but it doesn't

I say that if all we were allotted were broken pieces on the floor
then I'll thank God for the mess
if that's all I get with you
then it's more than never having you

Cause never having you....
even a you that's gone
No, that wouldn't be right
and something has to seem right about this
Doesn't it?

Friday, February 20, 2015

My sin covered dream

I don't want to settle into old skin
and sit on some old comfy couch with him

I don't want the simplicity
People say to hold on to the simple things
But I've never been simple at all

I'm complicated
I'm twisted metal
and dirt on a white dress

I'm surrounded by the unexpected
I can't remember what it's like to live the norm

So I can't call you my darling
Or just simply become your Mrs.

Instead I'll call you my monster
and I'll be your sin covered dream
and together we'll be unexpected
and coming apart at the seams

Fast and wild
and real

when we stop reaching for perfection
we fall into place in the fairy tale theme
And when it stops making sense
we finally realize what it all means
 and that when it's meant to be it's exactly what it's cracked up to be...

 "Love is an untamed force."

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Cloud rider

Have you ever been so high
So high
Than you knew if you fell that you'd surely die
But climb you did until you were higher than you ever imagined you'd be

That's how I feel
when I'm engulfed in the reflection of your light

You're immaculate
You're unmatched
You're divine

and as I bask in the strength of your divinity
I'm completely lost
but yet for the first time in forever
I'm found

A contradiction that seems to only make sense when I'm with you
and as my pieces drift apart
never to fit again
I'm complete.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The balancing act.

I once knew your face
your eyes were familiar
your smile was home.

Hands intertwined I was never alone
I knew your scent
I inhaled it often.

We fit perfectly
like snow in the winter
fire in hell.

You alone were my everything
and maybe that's what went wrong.

Maybe no one on earth
is meant to be your world.

But you were more than my world.

You were my sun
my moon
and all of my stars.

And I was just your girlfriend.

What an unbalance.

Hitch hiking

I don't plan to fall into the waves and drown
I'm a survivor
Not a strong swimmer
But survive I will

I can't lie down and close my eyes
as the train comes riding near
I'll catch a ride
And drift on by
Leaving it all here

I can't do the defeat part
I just can't

It's too easy.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

It's like picking up trash in dresses...

Let me run to you and hide myself in your smile
your hands embrace me
your face captivates me
I am all but drowning in your love

I hope you know
That if this was it
It would be all that I'd ever need

Don't save me
I don't need a superhero
Or a place to find rest
I'm here
with this
and I'm alive in our mess

Let me run to you and hide myself in your smile
and allow me to be at peace
with the reality
that a mess
is all we'll ever be.