Sunday, March 29, 2015

The empty grave.

And if your bones bend back together
and the grave rejects your stay
as your heart starts beating
with renewed life what would you say?

Saturday, March 21, 2015


If it's any consolation
you're not any more lost than you were
before he left.

In case this helps
he still whispers your name
at night
when he sleeps.

This might not make you feel better
but I asked him if he loved me
and he said not yet
not until the last one sets him free.

You're the last one.

I don't think you realize what you did to him
to us.

All you can think about are the bruises on your heart
and the feelings that you're getting as they fade.
but every night I try to wipe away his scars
the ones you left
and realize that some things never change.

So I'll write you this letter
with the meanest intentions
and hope that my anger fades from the paper
before you read it
and the words you have to say to him burst into flames
 in your mouth
before you speak them.

He was perfect
and you the monster that changed his innocent ways.

I don't think I hate you...
but maybe I do.
And that maybe is the strongest truth.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015


But today, for once, I'll let myself get stopped in my tracks
and scream words filled with context to the sky

I'll wipe away the agenda as the new plans fills the page
and I'll do all this in memory of your name

When they tell me what to do I'll move in silence
And work around the usual and old me
If they tell me what happened I'll drown out every single word
Because all that matters is the world is missing you.

So I'll take what's left of it and make a movie
And fill the scenes with images that tell your tale
And as they watch their eyes will fill with pain and sorrow
Knowing that our tomorrows came before yours ever will

I'll write page after page just for your name
So that it will never be forgotten or replaced
I'll sing songs that ring with tales of your childhood
And make sure to live the life that you never could

Please forgive me as I walk away from the mourners
Who knew so little yet seem to cry more than I can stomach
Don't judge me for calling them all impostors
That want the attention but never wanted the weight of being your friend.

My only regret is that I really should have loved you
More than you ever asked or wanted me too
I should have wrapped you in the patient arms of Jesus
And let him wipe away all the hurt you wish you never knew.

Sleep peacefully and I pray you want for nothing
As the silence of step two fills your ears
Embrace the love that I hope now surrounds you
and don't look back because all you'd see is our tears.

I'll wait for them to leave before I reenter
And leave the book of you open and your movie on replay
As they read they'll hear your laughter fill the room
And see your stories move like angels on the page.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Day seven

And I'll stop at the bank
To cash all your lies
Your mouth says one thing
But the truth I can't find...

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Day six

I once had a dog

before him

I had never taken care of anything but myself

Then we picked him up

His name had eight letters

I still use them today to protect my secrets

My dog

That I once had

A long time ago

Rocked the world with each lift of his giant paws

and his absence sent waves through my life

What a companion he was

I once had a best friend

That sat with me when I was sad

and listened to my fears

that friend was always there to give me hugs

To fill my life with love

To soften all the blows

To wipe away tears....

I remember when I had a dog.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Day five

And I don't regret a single moment that you took from me

or any of the words that I gave to you

I regret only that we slipped away to quickly and is wasn't what I thought would last

I don't frown when I think about the moments

That made every single piece of art in this world in comparison look dull

I regret only not taking full advantage

Of that fact that you were mine

And I was yours.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Day four

Counter tops and counter actions
Color blindness and kind reactions
Couples laughing while sadness rings
Continued conniptions that don't mean a thing.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Day three

Don't stop at words
letters fall and drop
they hit the ground like bombs
and just as they explode
so does everything else

Don't stop at feelings
emotions come just as quickly as they go
and when they fade away like mist
all we have is a naive idea of what's real

Don't stop at a touch
as your finger touches my skin
leaving marks on the rim
I'm left feeling the innocence
of where reality ends
and fairy tales begin

Don't stop when the walls are just falling down
When the leaves are changing
flowers blooming from the ground
give me all of you
don't stop at your skin
gives me what's underneath
to the core of where you begin.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Day two

There are some days in your life that are marked and noted in your mental journal by significant moments and for me today was one of those days.

We left Albuquerque, New Mexico today and headed for Tucson Arizona. The weather was cold, the bus warm and the road long. I was pretty excited about it because my host family gave me a book and I intended to read it. The book is called 'Into the wild,' and I had heard of the movie before but I wasn't familiar with the story.

I read all but the last twenty pages of the book during our almost 8 hour drive and I was moved to tears more times than I'm ready to admit. This book that follows the journey of a young man that ends up dying in the woods in Alaska did more than just tell me a cool story, instead it showed me what it's like to live without any borders.

The book is so interesting because it's such a tragic story of bravery and stupidity all bound together with the timeless idea that society has no right to tell you what to do or who to be.

I could have finished the book but I didn't, not yet. I know how it ends, I know that it's nonfiction and that it doesn't play out too well for the lead..I know what happens. Yet I can't finish it yet because I feel so invested in the faith that this guy had in himself and his abilities. It wasn't just something that he bragged about with no intention of ever actually pursuing his dreams. Instead he acted more than he spoke and left an impact on every single person that he encountered along his way and he wasn't even 25.

I think it's better to die covered in your failed attempt at a dream than live a life paved by the idea of "What ifs."

Tomorrow I will finish the book and I'm certain that I will cry. I will cry for young lives lost for brave souls that dare to take the route that isn't safe but makes them feel fulfilled and also for those who play it safe and will never know what it's like to dare to do something.

"The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." - Into the Wild. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Day one.

It was good enough
but good enough
for me
never changed lives or made hearts race

So I left it
and as I walked away you yelled after me

"you'll regret this."

But I didn't

So Instead of counting it as a loss
I sorted it into the lines of missed misfortunes
and counted my blessings instead

So regret was something I never felt
but I still see what you meant.