In 2009, I started a blog called 'Sunshine or something like it.' I was 19 years old and it was the beginning of my sophomore year in college. It's safe to say that at the time I had lots of feelings buzzing through my body, sometimes more than I knew what to do with. So I thought that it would be a great idea to write about them. Except, instead of buying a journal that I would keep to myself I decided to start a blog.
The other day I was reading through some of the posts from the very first year and it beyond blows my mind at how different I am. It's crazy how my life evolved, how my friendships developed and overall just the kind of person that I've become.
As I was reading through the posts I was almost embarrassed by how direct they are. Sunshine, or something like it, was definitely not a blog that I started with the intention of only sharing bits and pieces of my life. The posts are so open and honest and some of them are so detailed that they take me right back to that moment and time.
Here's an exert from one of my posts "Sometimes I cry at night because the thought of not living out all of my dreams literally terrifies me. I pray to God begging him to let me become the person that I've always dreamed of being. I don't want to spend my life searching for something but not quite knowing what I want."
In a way I admire 19 year old me. I admire the way that she was open with God about her fears and her desires and her dream of living a life that was great. That was only 7 years ago and even though it's a pretty short amount of time I feel like I've lost some of that openness. Back then it didn't take much for me to completely spill my heart at the feet of the father and now sometimes it take a little bit of him nudging and convincing me, reminding me that it's safe.
It's crazy how the world can harden us.
Some of the things I would write back then were naive and misdirected but other things, other things like my poetry, were raw and real and unguarded. I miss being unguarded. I miss being unapologetic with my emotions and how I expressed them and wrapped them with words. I miss not being haunted by followers and readers and the desire to be heard. I miss when I wrote with no intention of anyone ever reading it.
With all of that being said, I am without a shadow of a doubt very grateful for where I am now. I love that I have people who read and comment and give me feedback on what I write. I love the sense of accountability that social media has and the routine I've created of posting regularly each week. I love the idea that someone's life could be impacted or their perspective changed or their day made by reading what the Lord put's on my heart to write.
Someone said to me today, "the only thing certain about life is that it changes," and that's so true. I may not be as naive or doe eyed as 19 year old me but I promise to make an effort to be more open. I promise to write poetry that is raw and transparent and regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me feel, I promise to do my best to be unguarded.
Here's to trying to be the kind of person that 19 year old me would be proud of!
Until next time folks. Xoxo.