Friday, June 3, 2016

For the moments when you feel too much.

The other day, I had a moment where I became unsettled and upset about something that I thought I was over. I was revisiting a memory and I went from laughing and being what I perceived as completely okay with everything to borderline sobbing at work.

I've noticed that the older I get the more I feel like I need to get over things faster but the truth is, the more years I get under my belt the more in tune I become with what's going on in my heart. I've always been the type of person that pushed feelings away until they boiled up to the point where I was so angry or sad that I didn't even know what to do.

As a kid, I remember and I'm sure they do as well, going from laughing with my siblings to crying over something really small that they said. They would call me sensitive and not want to play anymore and the truth was that it wasn't just that moment that upset me but rather the accumulation of many small things that turned into something so big. 

So back to the other day, there I was sitting on my bed stuck between two thoughts and really two very different roads. One was telling me that it wasn't that big of a deal and I needed to get over it and the other thought whispered to me gently that it was okay to feel and if I felt like crying maybe it was okay to cry too. 

So that's what I did. I sat on my bed and talked to God and cried. I cried a lot. 

I cried because I was sad. I cried because every fiber of my being was fighting against becoming the type of woman that doesn't allow herself to feel, one that is hardened by the pains and disappointments of this life. So often I try to numb myself to the struggles and anguish of this world and pretend that I'm not the type of person that is deeply moved by it all, I don't want to do that anymore. 

Crying is not a sign of weakness. Let me repeat, crying is NOT a sign of weakness.

I've never felt stronger than in the moments where I allowed myself to be honest with what was going on in my heart and mind. I am strong, bold, confident, proactive, sensitive and sometimes pretty emotional and I'm okay with that. 

I had to remind myself and maybe I'll have to everyday for years to come that it's okay to feel. It's okay to be upset about something even if the world tells you that it's not worth crying over. It's okay to reflect on things that have been tough and situations that have hurt you and when you feel too much it's okay to cry. 

When I wiped the last tear from my cheek, I couldn't help but to close my eyes and smile. It was in the confronting of my pain that I was able to find true freedom and be released from the past. It was in trying to be strong that I found myself crumbled in weakness and it was in my pain that I was comforted by and wrapped in God's strength. 

As you head into the weekend and wrap up the last few lines of this blog, know that it's okay to feel and when you feel too much, know that it's more than okay to cry. 

1 comment:

  1. ...thank you, thank you Nicole...thank you for sharing this and I commend you for allowing yourself the permission to cry when you so desperately needed to. You carry such a strength about you and that includes your tears, rawness and openness. I also relate to the reminder of tears are NOT a sign of weakness, but unfortunately somehow in this day and age they have been labeled as so. And honestly I just feel a deep sadness about that being portrayed to us and having it so embedded in our bodies. I just want to acknowledge that you know what is best for you and what your body needs to do in those moments. The body has such wisdom, it is just hard to tease apart the voices and feelings of what you want to do and what has been so embedded in our bodies from our culture/society. So, way to go for listening to what your body needed to do in that moment :)